My process for dealing with offense:
- Allow myself to be angry. (Not that I have an alternative.)
- Harness the anger to analyze the offensive behavior and identify the essential personal offense (precisely what is bothering me).
- Depersonalize and expand the applicability of the essential personal offense by abstracting from it a more universal principle of offense (something that would bother most reasonable people).
- Assuming I’ve committed the same or an analogous offense against others, dig through my memories of times people have been upset with me, in search of cases where I can accuse myself of the same offense.
- Using my own memory of my experience and true intentions, defend myself against my self-accusations.
- Returning to the present offense, apply the same defense to the person who has offended me.
- Look for opportunities to reconcile with other people, because mutual reconciliation is the only thing that definitively repairs damage. (Insights only diminish symptomatic pain.)
- Remember principles and defenses for future similar offenses, to avoid unintentionally offending others and taking lasting offense at other’s actions.
Generally, this approach reduces pain, partially or completely repairs damage and produces valuable insights. It also helps prevent compulsively repeating thoughts from metastasizing into philosophies of resentment.