A listener who is considers his listening a gift is a shitty listener.

Listening is only a gift if it is a genuine acceptance of a valuable gift.

But, what if the gift of what is said really is not valuable? When a speaker ignores the listener and just talks about whatever it is that he wants to talk about, he is a shitty speaker. To listen to such talk is an act of charity, and there is no non-shitty way to listen. This is analogous to someone giving a gift he actually only bought for himself, forcing the receiver to feign gratitude.

But — to say to someone what they will want to hear is also bad gift-giving. It is the gift certificate of the conversation world.

And then there’s the careful tit-for-tat symmetry of listening and speaking, where in the end the conversation is measured on the scale of fairness. The gift exchange is analyzed on a spreadsheet.

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Good conversation requires someone eager to hear what is being said — by someone vitally concerned with what the listener gains. Then there is real exchange, regardless of whether the speaking and listening.