Here’s the thing: Most people who care very intensely and noisily about this thing or that care much less about the object of their intense, noisy caring than 1) the activity of intensely, noisily caring, and 2) the fact they they are a good person who cares intensely about important things.
But it is possible to stop caring about caring and about being a sincere, good person.
“Oh no! Will this turn me into a cynical nihilist?” you might ask.
No, it will free you to figure out what you actually care about.
And that knowing what you actually, for real care about allows you to work for what you actually, for real care about, instead of being a loud, hyped-up, bullshit caremonger.
Of course, insincere, inauthentic people who prize sincerity and authenticity get pissed off if they suspect you can see direct through them. So, unless there is a good reason to, don’t confront them. But don’t play along, either. Armor yourself with etiquette.
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Etiquette is not fake. Etiquette is formal.
Etiquette is not faking how you feel. It conceals how you feel by replacing self-expressive speech and action with proper speech and action.
Etiquette keeps the social peace by keeping our inner selves inward and our outer selves inoffensive.
Anyone who tries to pry under etiquette, demanding access to our real selves deserves to be politely rebuffed. That is impolite.
Anyone who ignores the rebuffing, and persists in prying and pushing and otherwise fucking around with our real selves and our real beliefs and our real values, deserves to be impolitely rebuffed. Because that is disrespectful.
And if that does not work — if they refuse to desist — they deserve to be resisted forcefully.
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So, if you want to be good, just do the right thing, and leave your feelings out of it. Do the right thing politely until you cannot be polite, anymore.
Few people deserve intimacy, and you alone are the judge of that.
Reserve your authenticity for people who aspire to authentic authenticity.
Authenticity is for the authentic.
Mutuality is for the mutual.
Equality is for the equal.
Have a good day.
Read this to my wife as a sort of devotional, and, recognizing this devotion was refreshingly real, and not writing for the sake of publishing, she said, “that was intense…deep and liberating.” Keep it coming, Nachshon.
I’m glad you read it as it was intended. That was exactly the effect I was hoping for!